


Forgotten

by madridistagoblue



Category: Initial D
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 19:11:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12042399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madridistagoblue/pseuds/madridistagoblue
Summary: Rin knows that he only has himself to blame for the tension that still exists between him and his family and friends. After all, two years is a long time to run away. But is it really long enough that everyone has forgotten his birthday? Even Gou?





	Forgotten

It was always a bad sign when Rin's father was being the most considerate of anyone. But at least Rin had been given the afternoon off work -- "on the hospital director's orders."

 

It had been quiet and direct. There was no reason, and, of course, no congratulations provided with the order. And while Rin knew his father had not been at any meetings that morning, and could have relayed the message in person, he had, of course, sent his assistant, Yuki, in his stead. But, at least, his father had the decency to recognize him -- however impersonally.

 

That, unfortunately, was more than he could say about anyone else.

 

He hadn't expected anyone to remember his birthday. After all, he'd been gone from the hospital for two full years, and that was far longer than the memories of most of the doctors and nurses. (Save the few whose long-term memories seemed reserved solely for gossip.) And frankly, he didn't have many friends left -- if he'd ever really had any in the first place. But, he couldn't let go of the fact that he was disappointed in Gou.

 

He had thought their relationship had been coming back together. Slowly, of course; and for good reason. He had lost his brother's trust, and as tough as Gou acted on the outside, he had a certain softness that had always been obvious at home. He wasn't one to forgive easily after being hurt.

 

But, lately, the two of them had returned to something Rin considered normal. Rin had come to watch him practice racing just the other day -- giving him tips and timing his runs. He'd met all the new members of Team Sidewinder, and Gou had even named him their honorary captain. (Although it did feel rather undeserved, considering all his antics as Shinigami and his lack of a car.)

 

Despite the progress they had made, Rin still felt hesitant around Gou at times. Frankly, he didn't think Gou had any business forgiving him. No one did, honestly. But his therapist had stressed the importance of being open to other's goodwill, so he was trying his best. But still, it felt impertinent to ask Gou for any favors, after he failed to be there for him.

 

So he had invited Gou to dinner. Casually -- without demanding or even pleading that he come, and without once mentioning that it was his birthday. He figured Gou would know and want to join him for the celebration. But Gou had "respectfully" declined, saying he thought they should spend the evening at home instead, and that was that. No acknowledging that it was a special day for Rin. Not even an apology.

 

Was it so much to ask for his own brother not to forget his birthday in just two years? Was he being unfair? Was this all his fault again? Or was it really, as it seemed, quite a sorry state of affairs that no one -- not even Gou -- remembered that it was his birthday?

 

Slowly, Rin ambled through the parking lot until he came upon a plain, black '91 Efini MS-9 -- the sort of car that lost its luster of luxury with each passing year's new designs and technology.

 

With a sigh, he produced the key and took a seat inside. What to do with his free time? He pulled out a small, black flip-phone and stared at it for a moment. Part of him was tempted to call Gou and try again. Maybe if they couldn't do dinner, a small trip to the café in the late afternoon. He knew that Gou had the afternoon off from his classes. He could feel his hand shaking, and gripped the phone tightly. It was worth one final chance.

 

He pressed the contact and held the phone to his ear, muttering a silent prayer under his breath for Gou to actually look at his phone. Yet, when heard Gou's voice answer " _Aniki_?" in a tone of confusion and concern, Rin realized he hadn't actually planned on him picking up.

 

"I'm sorry to interrupt you, Gou," he began. His pulse was elevated.

 

"That's fine, aniki. Why are you calling? Is everything alright?”

 

"I'm fine, don't worry. Father let me take the afternoon off." (For my birthday, he wanted to finish. But he refrained. It would be fishing for pity to remind him.)

 

"Ah, that's nice," Gou replied. For some reason he still sounded rather worried, despite Rin having explained the situation. "Are you coming home, then?" he asked.

 

"Well, I was thinking that, perhaps, since you didn't want to have dinner tonight, we could stop by a cafe this afternoon," Rin replied.

 

There was silence for a moment. "That's a great idea, aniki, but...I'm a bit tied up at the moment. You know, school work and stuff. You should go, though! Treat yourself, you know. You don't get a free afternoon often. I'll still be here when you get back."

 

Rin felt his fingers tighten around the phone. His heart still pounded. His throat was heavy and dry.

 

"Right," he said. He regretted how cold his voice sounded, but he couldn't muster the energy to summon feeling into his voice. He never cared for feigning contentment when he only felt displeasure.

 

"I'll see you at dinner," Gou replied. "Don't stay out too late."

 

Rin’s entire body went rigid, save for a tremor in his gut. Don't stay out too late? Since when did Gou get to decide what Rin could and could not do? The brothers had always done as they pleased; it wasn't as though Father had been around to stop them. And now, after spurning Rin's invitation to spend time together -- not once, but twice, and on his birthday no less! -- Gou had the audacity to tell him to come home for dinner and not stay out too late!?

 

He wanted to bark back at him that he'd be out as long as he pleased, but he knew it wouldn't do. It was another of the things he'd been working on with his therapist -- thinking his words through before he spoke. No matter how upset he was at Gou, he wouldn't make things better by isolating himself from his brother again. Their differences aside, they had always been one another's best allies.

 

He exhaled between gritted teeth. It was best to wrap up this conversation soon, as it was taking all his self-control not to talk back.

 

"Yeah. See you," he grunted. It was so conciliatory he wanted to puke.

 

"Later," Gou answer, apparently content with that answer, as the phone disconnected a moment later.

 

Rin snapped the phone shut, so it made a satisfying _clack_ , and shoved it back into the pocket of his pants. Well, what did he do now?

 

If he still owned his GT-R, the answer would have been obvious. But the mere thought of taking the MS-9 to the _touge_ seemed to put the absurdity of his situation into perspective. Imagine seeing a fully licensed physician barreling down the road in an automatic, aging luxury sedan. It was pathetic, no matter how you looked at it. Almost as pathetic as the fact that he was steaming over a forgotten birthday like a child. …And yet, that didn't change the way he felt about the situation at all.

 

His eyes trailed over to the clock. 15:00. Perhaps it was a bit early, but he could use a strong glass of bourbon...he shifted the car into drive, and let his muscle memory take him down the roads as clouded thoughts continued to stew in his mind.

 

He found himself in the parking lot of an all-too-familiar location. In truth, he hadn't been here in almost a year. Yet, in many ways, it felt like he had never left.

 

His hands shook as he switched off the ignition. Part of him wanted to immediately turn the key again and drive away as fast as he could. But he had decided he needed a nice, refreshing drink, and there was no better spot in town. Still...what if someone recognized him? Did they remember him here? Would they judge him?

 

He shook his head. Places like this had quick turnaround. The bar staff was likely completely different than the last time he'd come. Slowly, he pulled the key out of the ignition, and opened the door. Driving away wouldn't make the memories magically disappear. Now that he was here, in this parking lot, they already were flooding back.

 

He locked the door to his car and walked into the bar, as casually as possible, trying to keep his head high. He sat down, in front of a young bartender with brown hair, cherry red lipstick, and an alluring smile. To his relief, he'd never seen her before.

 

"Welcome, sir," the woman said with a bow. "May I get you something to drink?"

 

"Some bourbon on the rocks would be excellent, thank you," he replied.

 

He looked around as she grabbed a glass off the shelf and filled it with ice and his drink. Nothing about this place had changed at all, since the first time he came here, over three years ago, maybe approaching four -- at this point, it was difficult to remember.

 

It was the first time Ryosuke had come with him to Hakone. The two of them had driven all the way from their university in Gunma, and were somewhat weary from the journey. Rin had never stopped here before, but enjoyed how far off the beaten path it seemed from everything else around. They shared a drink and then stayed out for a few hours in the parking lot, smoking, staring at the stars, talking about futures that didn't turn out the way they had expected. It had become the bar he frequented most after that night.

 

It was somewhat ironic, then, that it was exactly the place he had come to when he first found out about Ryosuke's involvement with Kaori.

 

He'd gone home first, and scared Gou half to death by breaking an ornamental vase in his room. He was never able to forget the look of terror on Gou's face when he walked over to his room.

 

"Do you know how expensive that probably is?" he had tried to scold him, voice shaking. "Father's going to kill you when he gets back."

 

"Father isn't in my room long enough to remember we even owned it," Rin yelled back.

 

"What's _wrong_ with you?" Gou shouted. At the time, Rin felt Gou could have at least shown some sympathy, considering he knew full well what had happened to Kaori.

 

"It's none of your business," Rin said, pushing him aside and slamming the door to his room.

 

As large as the house was, his room only had so much space. And of course, he didn't want to confront Gou again. So he left -- took his GT-R and came here, where he drank himself into a stupor for the first time.

 

He had fully planned on driving home after escaping the house for a while, but instead he found himself vomiting on the bathroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably. For a long time he stayed like that, unaware of the passage of time.

 

When he finally managed to look at his watch, he realized it was time to return home. Whatever part of his brain was still functioning told him that he couldn't drive home drunk. In this state he'd certainly have little control of his car. But a small voice, in the back of his mind, said: "What if you drove? What if you crashed and ended it all right now?" Shaking it off, terrified, he ran out to the pay phone and called Gou, barely able to speak over his slurred speech and messy sobbing.

 

He managed to get himself outside and stood outside the building, smoking, until he saw Gou's NSX pull up.

 

"Aniki!" Gou shouted. There were clear streaks of tear stains on his cheeks, but in the car, he refused to let any tears fall. "You have to get over yourself. You can't expect me to keep bailing you out like this."

 

"You don't understand," Rin cried, but Gou didn't seem to respond at all.

 

A week later, Rin had left home for good.

 

He became a more frequent patron of the bar than he'd like to admit, though he never drank that much again. Drinking only made the increasingly prominent intrusive thoughts worse. The car had always been his release, though he enjoyed it less and less. Yet, driving was part of his routine, the only thing he could find the energy for.

 

He only drank to the point of becoming drunk once more -- after he'd already gotten a reputation as Shinigami. By then, the atmosphere was much different there. No one would make eye contact, aside from the bartenders. He could hear them whispering. "Is that Director Hojo's son?" "That's Shinigami? Thought he was a legend?" The intrusive thoughts were getting too strong -- he drove himself that night, not caring if he lived or died. Somehow, there was no traffic on the road.

 

He hadn't come back ever again after that. He had found the resolve to stay alive until he could race Ryosuke on the anniversary of Kaori's death, and let Kaori decide his fate. And now, somehow, he was back here. Back and alive.

 

The bartender returned with his drink. He quickly said thank you, then downed a large sip. What was he doing back here? How was he planning to get home this time?

 

Perhaps, Rin thought, he had made the wrong decision to come. But he was just as troubled by the idea of returning home. He rested his arms on the high-top table of the bar, trying to relax the tension in his back and shoulders. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help but remember how resentful he had felt towards his family back then. His father was, to this day, always absent. And he hadn't helped matters by telling Rin that he was better off with Kaori gone. Gou, meanwhile, didn't seem to understand what he was going through. He just told Rin to stop yelling, stop crying, stop drinking, stop whatever it was he was doing to numb the pain. As though it were that simple -- as though Rin wanted to be doing any of those things.

 

Since that fateful night on Hakone, he had told himself that those initial feelings were too harsh on Gou. He had left the house before giving Gou a chance to understand or help. And Gou's insistence that he stop certain behaviors only came from how much he had scared and hurt him. Rin never once apologized for the way he behaved or for the messes Gou was forced to clean up because of him. He still hadn't...not really.

 

But...he couldn't help the familiar dread that Gou was never going to understand him or his troubles. As children, Gou had always looked up to him and wanted to be just like him. Seeing Rin so distraught must have shattered Gou's entire image of him. But would he ever be able to adapt to or accept his imperfections? Was he really happy to have him home again, or was he just happy to have back the "perfect" Rin, who worked hard as a doctor, and mentored his racing, and acted the way he was supposed to act?

 

Rin exhaled slowly and took another sip of bourbon. The fact that Gou had forgotten his birthday hurt so much more than he could possibly realize. And what of Ikeda, Ryosuke, and the rest of his friends? Did any of them remember, or did they only care about making him act like a functioning member of society again?

 

No, he couldn't go home right now. Not with this sort of burden on his mind. But he'd be careful not to drink too much either. He flagged over the bartender and asked if he could see a snack menu. He'd drink slowly, have something to eat, and return home when he had put these thoughts to rest. Fighting the urge to snap at Gou for the rest of the evening would be even worse.

 

The TV above the bar began to show baseball, and though Rin had never particularly been a fan, he found himself consumed in the game as a distraction. He finished his drink and snack and ordered another. Minutes turned to hours. Afternoon turned to evening, and the next thing he knew, the sun was setting over the horizon.

 

Rin set down his now-empty second glass and leaned back on the stool.

 

"Would you like another?" the bartender asked, as she came over to clear his place. "My shift ends soon, but I can grab you something before I go."

 

"That's alright," Rin replied. "I think I'll cash out now, if you wouldn't mind."

 

"Certainly," she replied, walking over to the computer to grab the credit card for his open tab.

 

Suddenly, Rin felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He frowned. Few people texted him with any regularity, and right now, he wasn't in the mood to socialize. His eyes narrowed when he flipped open his phone and noticed that the new message was from Gou:

 

_Aniki, it's getting late. I thought we were going to have dinner? Is everything ok?_

 

Rin snapped his phone shut. He didn't want to deal with this right now. He'd be back home when he was ready. For now, he'd find somewhere else to visit. Perhaps a quiet cafe, or, if he could stand it, a slow drive through the mountains.

 

But he suddenly felt a pang of guilt, remembering those two years he'd left Gou in the dark. He knew he couldn't leave his brother in fear of his safety. He shook his head and flipped the phone back open, typing a simple: _I'm fine, just out on my own. I'll be back later._

 

He closed the phone again and stuffed it back in his pocket, as the bartender returned with his bill.

 

"If you could sign here, sir."

 

"Certainly. Thank you for your service, ma'am."

 

He reached for his wallet, to put away his credit card, when he felt his phone vibrate again. Hopefully it was just Gou responding “ok” to his message. He ignored it and finished paying the bill.

 

When he was done, he headed out to the parking lot. It was much fuller than it had been before, now that evening had finally come. He could tell from the busy chatter and the clumps of people walking together that many friends and couples were out for dinner or a drink. It reminded him, again, of how he was all alone, so he pointed his head downward and walked to the car faster.

 

As he did so, his phone vibrated again. With a sigh, he pulled it out and checked the new messages.

 

_Gou: You should come back, I bought dinner for us._

 

Rin hit the next button.

 

_Gou: I also picked out a movie for us to watch. Can you please stop moping and just come home?_

 

Rin let out a low, dark chuckle. So Gou knew he was upset, but he would have much preferred if he understood why.

 

_I want to spend some time alone. I'll eat the leftovers tomorrow._ Rin replied. Honestly, Gou was the one who had declined the offer to spend time together twice. He couldn't simply reject Rin's plans and then act like he was entitled to having Rin come home for dinner and a movie. He had been the one to reject spending time together, and he'd have to face the consequences of his own stubborn behavior.

 

Rin shoved the phone back into his pocket as he approached the MS-9. He opened the driver's side door and sat down, leaning back in the seat. He honestly wasn't sure where to go from here, and needed to weigh his options. The phone buzzed again.

 

"What is it now, Gou?" Rin mumbled as he pulled out the phone for what he swore was the last time.

 

All the newest text said was: _What's wrong?_

 

Rin scowled and snapped the cover of the phone shut even harder than before. What's wrong? The fact that Gou couldn't figure out for himself what was wrong was exactly the issue!

 

He set the phone down in the cup holder on his left, instead of in the pocket of his pants. He didn't want to feel if it vibrated again. He had already informed Gou that he was safe and out for the evening. He didn't have an obligation to answer to the rest. Yet, no sooner had it done so, the phone started vibrating even more vigorously, not stopping this time. It was an incoming call.

 

"Will he give it up!?" Rin groaned, picking up the phone again. Normally, he always left his phone on, in case of emergency. But if Gou was going to pester him like this, he had no choice but to turn it off. He flipped open the phone to access the power button, but stopped his fingers as he skimmed over the screen.

 

_Incoming call: Takahashi Ryosuke_

 

Rin quickly pressed the green answer button and pressed the phone up to his ear.

 

"Ryosuke?"

 

"Hello, _senpai_. I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time."

 

"No..." Rin replied, trying to hide the surprise in his voice. "I can talk right now."

 

"I can call back later, if it would be more convenient," Ryosuke continued. "You're not still on your shift, are you?"

 

"No, my father let me off early this afternoon," Rin replied, trying to level his voice so Ryosuke would stop questioning him. The damn kid was too perceptive. "I'm free."

 

"That's wonderful," Ryosuke replied. Rin could almost picture a small, wistful smile spreading across his face. "I hope you were able to do something special to celebrate tonight, then," he continued.

 

Rin's heartbeat picked up pace suddenly. Celebrate? ...Had Ryosuke...?

 

"Did you see your gift?" Ryosuke asked.

 

Rin sat for a moment in stunned silence.

 

“Senpai?”

 

"No, I haven't been home yet today," Rin finally replied. He shook his head, looking out into the distance beyond his windshield. Takahashi Ryosuke. He was truly something else. He was so certain no one had remembered his birthday, but he should have known that Ryosuke always managed to exceed his expectations.

 

He felt a heaviness well up in his throat, as he tried to picture Ryosuke's soft, wistful smile and those all-knowing eyes. What had he possibly done to deserve the respect of someone so pure and kind?

 

"Oh, did you go out to celebrate after work, then?" Ryosuke asked.

 

"Mmhm," Rin murmured. He didn't want to spoil the conversation by bringing up what had really occurred.

 

"Where did you go?" Ryosuke asked.

 

"Just to the bar on the outskirts of town."

 

"It's still there?" Ryosuke asked, fondly. "That brings back memories."

 

"It hasn't changed one bit," Rin replied.

 

"Did Gou go with you?"

 

Rin froze. "No, he was busy," he said quick and to the point, hoping to avoid the subject further.

 

"Do you have plans for dinner, then?" Ryosuke asked. "Surely, he needs to eat."

 

Rin sighed, taking the hand not holding his phone and using it to massage a sudden ache in his forehead. "I invited him to dinner, but I'm afraid he declined my offer,” he said. “But, now, he's begging me to go home and eat with him."

 

"So will you?" Ryosuke asked. Damn him.

 

"I had been hoping to do something more celebratory," Rin groaned.

 

"Ah, I see," Ryosuke replied, as though contemplating, "like solitary drinking in the afternoon?"

 

"You're rather impertinent at times, you know that?"

 

"I'd like to say I learned from the best."

 

"Should I feel accomplished or concerned?" Rin teased.

 

"You know I admire you, senpai," Ryosuke replied, the teasing tone gone from his voice in favor of something calm and genuine. Rin shook his head. That kid was too kind-hearted for his own good, at times.

 

"Even if I drink alone in the afternoon?" Rin teased.

 

"I could use a little whisky myself," Ryosuke replied.

 

Rin laughed, a small smile crossing his face.

 

"But more to the point," Ryosuke continued. "Why are you still out? I understand you're disappointed that Gou couldn't join you for dinner. But wouldn't it be better to spend your birthday with him at home, than by yourself?"

 

Rin heaved a large sigh. "It's not just that he's busy, Ryosuke."

 

"Then what's troubling you?"

 

"He's forgotten my birthday completely."

 

"Are you certain?" Ryosuke asked.

 

"Well, he certainly hasn't said a word of congratulations," Rin scoffed.

 

"I see…" Ryosuke replied.

 

"What are you contemplating now, Ryosuke?" Rin grumbled.

 

"Correct me if I am mistaken, senpai, but Gou doesn't strike me as the type to normally “beg you to come home,” as you phrased it earlier."

 

Rin thought about it for a moment. Aside from when he had abruptly left home and his quit his job, Gou usually pretended he didn't care what Rin did. Of course, this wasn't true -- Rin could easily tell that Gou occasionally wanted his company. But ever since he'd left, Gou had been seemingly afraid to ask -- as though expecting anything from Rin would only end in disappointment.

 

"It is unusual," Rin replied. "But if you mean to imply he wishes to celebrate my birthday, you may be thinking about this too naively, Ryosuke. I asked him this afternoon if he wished to join me at a cafe after work. When he declined, I was rather upset with him, and disappeared on my own. He seems concerned about me, from his texts, despite my assurance that I am fine and just want to spend some time alone. I'm sure he only fears that I will disappear again. I shouldn't have to bow to his every whim to assure him that I won't."

 

"Pardon my saying this, senpai, but I still think you assume too much. I thought you said that Gou was busy? Why were you upset with him? And did you invite him to a café or to dinner? Your story doesn't quite line up."

 

Rin let out a sigh into the phone. He hadn't wished to rehash the entire story, but Ryosuke left him no choice.

 

"Last night I invited him to dinner, but he refused my invitation. He didn't say anything about being busy at all, or I might have understood. He just said he'd rather stay home, hence why I have told you that he doesn't remember my birthday at all.

 

“I decided to invite him to the cafe this afternoon, after father let me off work, as a second chance at spending time together. But he declined that invitation as well, this time saying he was busy. He told me that I should go by myself," Rin laughed, bitterly. "What a kind thing to tell someone on their birthday."

 

"And did he say anything else?"

 

"Not to stay out late," Rin replied, rolling his eyes as he recalled the words.

 

"Hojo-senpai..." Ryosuke replied, his tone suddenly very steady and serious. "I think you should go home."

 

"Fine, take his side," Rin spat. He pounded a fist against the steering wheel.

 

"I'm not taking anyone's side," Ryosuke replied, calmly. "But I think you may be mistaken about all of this. I don't think Gou is asking you to do whatever he says...but I think he wants you to trust him. Is that something you can do, senpai?

 

"I could explain further," Ryosuke continued, when Rin said nothing, "but I think it's better that you go home and see for yourself. Gou is as stubborn as you. He has something in mind, but you'll need to go home and trust that it won't disappoint you. You underestimate people, Hojo-senpai. Including yourself.

 

“If nothing else, you'll get my present if you go home. It's worth it either way.”

 

Rin contemplated Ryosuke's words for a moment -- though it frustrated him to do so. He wasn't eager to concede defeat, but he had to admit that Ryosuke's logic was sound. He would likely enjoy a movie with Gou and his present from Ryosuke more than driving the MS-9 on the touge and burying himself in sorrow and regret. The only things keeping him from going home at this point were his own stubbornness and his refusal to give Gou any satisfaction by capitulating to his request.

 

"Alright," Rin said, "I'll go home." He inhaled slowly and exhaled through pursed lips. He was going to have to confront Gou eventually. He might as well get it over with and move on.

 

"I'm glad," Ryosuke replied. "Do call again when you have time. Let me know how it goes, and how you like the gift."

 

"Of course," Rin replied. "I'll talk to you later."

 

"Goodbye."

 

"Bye..." Rin pulled the phone away for a moment, but stopped before his fingers reached the end call button, and pressed it back up to his ear. "And thank you, Ryosuke."

 

"Thank me when it's all said and done," Ryosuke said.

 

Rin chuckled. "Very well then. Goodbye, Ryosuke."

 

“Goodbye.”

 

Rin ended the call, noticing, as he did so, that he had received one more message from Gou during his conversation.

 

_Aniki -- I hope you aren't answering me because you're driving home. Otherwise, I'm going to drive to all your favorite spots in town and drag your ass back here myself. You've been warned._

 

Rin couldn't help but smile reading it. As upset as he was with him, he was proud of the determined young man Gou had become. Even if he felt like their relationship was still strained, Gou was a good kid. Ryosuke was right. He didn't always trust in him. He opened up a reply window.

 

_No need,_ he wrote. _I'm coming home._

 

For the first time that day, his heart felt a bit lighter. He started the MS-9 and pulled out of the parking lot. As he drove, he made a small game of trying to imagine what Ryosuke's birthday gift might be.

 

He arrived at the house some minutes later, and took a few minutes to collect his breath in the car. He exited, then walked to the door of the house. He would do his best not to immediately snap at Gou, and to give him a chance, as Ryosuke had suggested. However, he wasn't going to bury his feelings either. If Gou had forgotten his birthday, he was going to confront him, somehow.

 

He walked up to door and searched his keychain for the correct key. But as he reached out to unlock the door, it opened from the inside.

 

In the doorway stood Gou, welcoming him with a stern expression. He said nothing, but beckoned Rin into the vestibule with a small nod of the head. Rin's eyes narrowed as he followed him inside.

 

No sooner had Rin stepped inside, Gou quickly closed the door and stepped in front of Rin, blocking his path to the living room.

 

"So, aniki," he said, crossing his arms, "how was your visit to the _café_?" The way he emphasized the location made it clear that he knew Rin had gone somewhere else entirely.

 

Rin's hand rolled into a fist at his side. "Perhaps you if you had come, you wouldn't have to ask," he retorted, bitterly.

 

"I was busy this afternoon," Gou replied, calmly, his eyes still focused and his voice level. "But this isn't just about the café...or dinner? Is it?"

 

"I thought you wanted me to come back to watch a movie, not for an interrogation?"

 

"I did," Gou replied. "But first, you have to tell me what's wrong."

 

Rin's eyes narrowed. "The fact that you can't figure it out is exactly the problem!" he snapped back. He made a move to the side, attempting to walk around Gou so as to enter the living room. But Gou stretched out his arm and stopped him with a firm hand on his chest.

 

"What?" Gou replied, an inexplicable smirk on his face, "The fact that you _think_ I forgot your birthday?"

 

Rin stepped back, his eyes widening, as he fought to hold back a gasp. "You... knew..."

 

Gou had remembered? Then... then why...? His sense of shock faded back to anger as he remembered what had transpired earlier. If Gou had forgotten his birthday, then he would understand why Gou did not feel obligated to go out with him to celebrate. But if Gou remembered...was it just not important enough to him? He glared. "So why didn't you take up my offers to celebrate?"

 

"Hmm," Gou replied, in an irritated tone. "I don't seem to remember you saying anything about celebrating when you asked me about dinner last night. Or even this afternoon, although I was occupied."

 

"I figured you knew! And that it would matter to you!" Rin shouted, making another push towards the living room. He had had enough of this.

 

Gou reached out his hand and stopped him again.

 

"You mean you were testing me," Gou replied.

 

"I was doing nothing of the sort."

 

"Then, when I told you I'd rather spend the evening at home, why didn’t you mention your birthday? Why weren't you more insistent? Why didn't you say anything this afternoon? Why did you almost make me wonder if you had forgotten your own birthday, until the moment you ran off?"

 

"I didn't think I should have to,” Rin said.

 

"And why shouldn't you, aniki? Why shouldn't you explain your feelings when you are upset? Because you think that I should just be able to figure it out myself? Because that's exactly what I mean! You wouldn't tell me it was your birthday, because you wanted to see if I remembered! And when I didn't go along with your plans, that meant I failed. Even if I had forgotten, I could have still celebrated with you, if you had reminded me. But that wouldn't have been good enough for you, would it, aniki?"

 

Rin felt a tremor in his chest at Gou's words. His eyes were focused on him so intensely, that Rin had to divert his gaze. He had never seen Gou confront him with such unwavering strength -- even when he had first returned to Hakone.

 

But, surely, Gou had it all wrong. He wasn't trying to prove anything, he had just assumed Gou would want to spend his birthday together with him. And he had assumed it would be important enough for Gou to remember. But how would he have felt about reminding Gou? His thoughts trailed back to the earlier conversation with Ryosuke: _wouldn't it be better to spend your birthday with him at home, than by yourself?_ Ryosuke had asked. Surely, Ryosuke had a point, but Rin found it hard to accept. Why?

 

…He didn't want to remind Gou. He didn't want to face the possibility that his brother had forgotten him. He didn't want to feel like he was an afterthought -- something that needed to be attended to only out of duty and not out of genuine desire.

 

"Answer me, aniki," Gou barked.

 

Rin looked down at the floor. "No," he replied, coldly. His chest ached, but there would be no use in lying, at this point. "It wouldn't have been."

 

Gou's hand was still firmly placed on his chest, preventing him from moving forward. He stepped away again, but Gou followed.

 

"You can't go in there," Gou said, his voice curiously softer than before. "My gift for you is in there, and I'm not letting you see it until we're done. I've been working on your birthday all afternoon. But you thought that because I didn't accept your half-assed invitations to do something with you, that I didn't care about you."

 

Rin's eyes widened in shock again, and he stepped further away from the living room, causing Gou to finally put his hand down.

 

"If you had told me that you really wanted to go to dinner -- if you had pushed back, or told me it was your birthday, or asked me if there was any way I could reschedule my plans -- I could have moved things around for you. But instead you accepted it, and didn't act like anything was even wrong until you drove off and went drinking by yourself. You never told me what you wanted; you just forced me into a situation where if I didn't agree, it wasn't good enough for you."

 

Rin looked down again, his throat feeling heavy. "I just wanted you to remember..." he said, through a labored breath.

 

"Why? Because it would mean I cared about you any less if the date had slipped my mind? Because if I dropped all my plans when you told me you wanted to do something for your birthday, that would have been any less thoughtful than having a date written on my calendar?"

Gou’s voice was becoming louder and more animated again. "You're using this as an excuse to confirm your own fears, and I'm sick of it! I've thought so hard about what I could do for your birthday. Takahashi Ryosuke sent you all these damn presents, and you're out in dad's old car with your head in your ass, singing ‘woe is me.’ Why is it so hard for you to just accept that people love you?"

 

Rin looked up at his brother's last words, his heart jolting as Gou spoke them. His pulse spiked, his palms sweat, and a terrible pit grew in his gut. Yet, his cheeks felt warm.

 

Gou's façade of strength had faded now. He twisted his palms into fists and turned his piercing gaze away. His body hunched towards the floor, and his breaths became harsh and audible.

 

That's what this was all about, wasn't it? Rin had assumed that no one cared about his birthday, because no one cared about him. That somehow, he wasn't loveable, and never would be.

 

A single tear trickled down Gou's face. Rin stood silent for a moment, unsure of what to say. Gou’s face tensed, as he fought to keep his expression strong.

 

"Are you going to say anything?" Gou asked, more tears falling now. "You're a real shit brother sometimes," he continued, followed this time by a sob, "but I love you, aniki. Even when I'm mad at you."

 

Rin felt his breath catch in his throat. It hurt to see his brother reeling in the pain he had caused with his own selfishness. What could he possibly say to fix the damage he had done, over so many years?

 

Before he could think of anything, a slight creaking sound came from the living room.

 

"Hojo-san, are you ok?"

 

Gou wiped away his tears with one hand and quickly forced a stern look on his face as he turned around. "Shinji, I told you to stay in the other room."

 

The young 86 driver Rin had met briefly walked into the room, in a t-shirt that looked too large for his small, childish frame, and -- curiously -- a party hat. Rin's breath faltered again.

 

"But I heard you crying," Shinji said, as his forehead creased. Of course, he probably had never seen Gou upset like this before. Gou always tried to keep his cool, stay in control of his emotions… unlike him.

 

"It's okay," Gou said, forcing a smile. "I just needed to discuss something with my brother. We'll be there in a second. If you want to help, you can make sure the food is still warmed up."

 

Shinji nodded, gave a small thumbs-up, and then scurried back into the living room.

 

Gou sighed and shook his head. "Well, that ruined the surprise a bit."

 

Rin watched with wide eyes. Gou had thrown a surprise party for him? His hands clenched the side of his pants tightly, his shoulders becoming tense. Ryosuke was right. He'd just made assumptions.

 

He suddenly remembered the strange way Ryosuke had acted on the phone -- telling him sternly to go home, and warning him that he'd gotten it all wrong. That clever bastard had figured it out. Then why... why couldn't he? He took a deep breath. Gou was right. It was because he didn't believe that _anyone_ really cared. …Even Ryosuke. Even Gou.

 

He stared at the empty space where Shinji had been standing a moment earlier. Gou had matured so much in these few years -- from a boy always seeking his approval to a young man mentoring his own team. But, he wasn't on his own. The kids on his team cared about him so much. He was truly surrounded by wonderful people who supported him.

 

But what about Rin? He wasn't there for him at all. Gou had made such a heartfelt confession and here he was, standing in stunned silence, not even able to muster up a trace of empathy for his own brother. His throat felt even heavier, tears threatening to burst from his own eyes.

 

"I'm sorry, Gou," he said, his legs trembling. He fought to hold back the tears -- falling apart always did more harm than good with him. He wanted to be strong, like Gou had become. The tremors spread to his arms, and he curled his hands into fists. "I'm sorry for everything. I never said it before, so I'm saying it now. I'm sorry for leaving you, and Father. For becoming Shinigami. For trying to hurt the people who loved me -- the people I loved. Because I was ashamed of myself. Because I thought you'd be better without me."

 

Tears had returned to Gou's eyes -- he could see them through his own, blurred, damp vision.

 

"I spent two years without you, aniki," Gou said softly, inching closer and placing a hand on Rin's shoulder. "I changed a lot, but I wasn't any better. I had to take care of myself, and maybe I needed that. But I became so obsessed with defeating Project D that I forgot to have fun racing anymore. It was affecting the way I coached Shinji, too. But your advice -- and that team Takahashi Ryosuke put together -- you guys reminded me what it was all about.

I had convinced myself I didn't need you either. But I always missed having my first coach around... aniki."

 

Though his hands still trembled, Rin closed the remaining distance between them, wrapping his arms around Gou's back and pulling him into a tight embrace.

 

Gou didn't return the gesture, keeping one hand frozen on Rin's shoulder and the other tightly at his side. But he made no motion to escape, either... for a few moments, anyway.

 

"Hey, don't get all mushy on me, now, aniki," Gou said, stepping back, finally, with a lightly flushed face. "You're going to turn into Ryosuke."

 

Despite the weariness in Gou's tone, a slight smile had crossed his face. Rin smiled back as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

 

"Well, speaking of Ryosuke, I'd like to see these gifts he sent," Rin said.

 

"Alright," Gou replied, drawing out the syllables in a tone of mocking exasperation, "but mine first."

 

"Alright," Rin agreed, "yours first."

 

Gou stepped aside, clearing Rin's path to the living room. Rin carefully wiped his sleeve against his face once more, making sure to brush away all his tear stains, before taking a deep breath and walking forward into the room.

 

He entered the room and turned to the left-side wall, which was completely hidden by the walls of the vestibule. There stood all the members of Team Sidewinder, sporting party hats, cheering as he entered the room. Ikeda also stood at their side, clapping, while sheepishly holding a party hat that he didn't seem to want to wear.

 

Rin had promised himself not to cry again, but seeing his and his brother's friends all here, cheering him on, made something well up in the back of his throat again. He smiled, weakly, a small "thank you," escaping his lips.

 

Behind them stood a colorful buffet table, lined with snacks and desserts. At the end of the table sat a few packages and a bouquet of blue and yellow flowers. All around the table were balloons and streamers, and on the wall hung a sign that said "Happy Birthday, Rin!"

 

No wonder Gou had declined his invitation to the cafe. He must have spent the entire afternoon putting this all together.

 

"So, what do you think, aniki?" Gou asked, entering the room after him.

 

"I'm speechless," Rin replied, turning to face his brother. "Thank you, Gou."

 

Gou smirked, then walked over to the side of the buffet table. "Well, this is just the party. I have a gift for you, too," he said, picking a small box off the table and handing it to Rin.

 

Rin took the box into his hands and examined it closely. It was a small, black velvet box, which was covered in a thin layer of dust, as though it had not been touched in some years.

 

He cracked it open, revealing a beautiful silver plated watch, with a race car logo printed on the watch face and a date from over two years ago engraved in the metal just below.

 

Rin looked up at Gou, curiously. "Gou... is this...."

 

"Two years ago, I entered the local gymkhana -- like we had agreed -- to practice my skills. When I won, they gave me a trophy and this watch. I already wore a watch that Father gave me for my birthday, so I would only have used it for decoration. So, I hoped instead to give it to my coach..." His eyes were shimmering again, but he was holding back the tears. "...But... you didn't come home..."

 

"Gou... I'm sorry," Rin said, clutching the box close to his chest. Gou shook his head.

 

"I kept it on my shelf. I thought about putting it on display but... I couldn't. After a year, I never thought you were coming home, but, still, I never touched that watch. I guess, maybe a small part of me never lost hope..."

 

"Are you sure you want me to have this?" Rin asked. "It's your accomplishment, not mine."

 

"Please," Gou replied, nodding. "I couldn't have done it without you. It was your victory as well."

 

Rin reached out, and placed a hand on Gou's shoulder. Perhaps it was best not to force him into another hug, but it was important he convey his feelings sincerely. "This is the best gift I could have asked for," he replied.

 

Gou blinked a few times, the water settling in his eyes, and he smiled.

 

"So," Rin said, setting down the watch on a nearby table and pointing at the other package on the buffet, which appeared to have come through the post, "I assume that one is Ryosuke's."

 

Gou nodded, "And the flowers," he said, rolling his eyes, "and a card."

 

Rin chuckled to himself, examining the blue and yellow flowers in a vase on the table. Only Ryosuke would send a present like that.

 

Gou walked over to the table and fetched the box and a small envelope which had been sitting underneath. He handed them to Rin, who placed the box on the table and pried open the letter carefully with his finger.

 

_To a dearest friend on his birthday,_ read the gold-colored characters on the heavy, cream colored card. It was just the sort of sentimental thing Ryosuke would spend money on, wasn't it?

 

_Hope this year will bring you many blessings and great joy,_ read the rest of the printed text. Underneath, was a note in quickly scrawled, but still pristine handwriting.

 

_Hojo-senpai, my best wishes on your birthday. I would love to see you next time that I find myself back in the area. I have included a small gift for you. Perhaps it's a bit sentimental for your taste, but I hope it will bring back good memories for years to come. Sincerely yours, Takahashi Ryosuke_

 

With a shake of his head, Rin set the card down and opened the box. The inside was covered in tissue paper, which he threw aside to reveal the contents.

 

He reached in and pulled out a small, die cast replica of a white RX-7 FC3S. He set it aside and looked down into the box. There were two more tiny cars -- a grey R32 and a red NSX. He smiled, setting them all down next to each other. It was a bit cheesy, but Ryosuke was right. He never wanted to forget those moments they had spent racing.

 

He looked back into the box, and noticed one more object that was wedged into the side. It was a photograph.

 

Prying it out, Rin found himself looking at a grainy picture that featured him and Ryosuke, arm in arm, in front of his GT-R. They looked so young and foolish -- Ryosuke with round, reflective sunglasses, dressed to the nines, of course, but with a cigarette in hand. And him, with an oversized hoodie and pants covered in metal chains. He shook his head at his younger self, but not without smiling as he did so. He'd need to get this framed.

 

"What a sap," Rin said out loud with a chuckle, setting the picture down. He looked back over at the buffet table and smiled. "How about we get something to eat?"

 

Cheers erupted from the crowd.

 

Rin spent the rest of the night enjoying the company of those present. Ikeda took a seat next to him on the couch and struck up one of his long, philosophical conversations, while the members of Sidewinder laughed and yelled at one another noisily in the background. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Even Shinji, who had always seemed shy and awkward, managed to start a long conversation with Gou.

 

Late into the evening, the guests began to leave one-by-one. Most of the members of Sidewinder were the first to go, each stopping by to offer Rin a word of congratulations before they left. Sometime after, Ikeda ended their conversation and bid him farewell, saying he had a few things to take care of before retiring to bed. That left just him, Shinji, and Gou.

 

"Shinji, it's getting pretty late," Gou said, as he noticed Ikeda shut the door. "Don't you think your mom will be worried if you don't get home?"

 

Shinji looked down at his feet with a small pout.

 

"Are you avoiding your homework again?" Gou sighed.

 

Shinji crossed his arms.

 

"Shinji-kun," Rin said, standing up. Shinji turned around, looking at him curiously. "Everyone needs to study sometimes. Even if you become a racing driver, you'll need to eventually study theory if you want to really improve and perform your best. School can be boring, but it's best to get into good habits now -- kind of like racing. You've been so successful because of how well you know your home course. Knowing how to study and get things done that you don't want to do is something you get better at as you practice too. Just ask Gou."

 

Gou nodded. "Aniki's right. I didn't like studying, either, but Kubo-san and I go over data all the time now. It's a good habit to learn."

 

"Ok," Shinji replied with a sigh, getting up off the couch. "I'll go home then. Thank you for inviting me, Hojo-san. I had fun and the food was delicious."

 

"It's no problem," Gou said with a laugh, ruffling Shinji's hair. "Thank you for coming. Now hurry along."

 

Shinji nodded, but before he left, he turned and walked over to Rin. Then, suddenly, his eyes turned over in the direction of the flowers, and he stared and them for a moment, before looking back.

 

"You know, Hojo-san,” Shinji said, addressing Rin now, “my mom knows the meaning of all sorts of flowers. If you want, I can ask her what those mean," he said, pointing to Ryosuke's bouquet.

 

"Thank you, Shinji-kun," Rin replied, out of politeness. He wasn't really sure they meant anything, outside of being a nice color scheme, but it seemed best to indulge the kid.

 

Shinji smiled excitedly and pulled a small cellphone out of his pocket, quickly snapping a photo of the flowers before putting it away. "Happy birthday, Hojo-san," he said to Rin and quickly, with energy that Rin didn't realize the kid still had, bounded out the door.

 

"Thank you for helping me with Shinji," Gou said, moving next to Rin on the couch, after a moment had passed. "I'm still learning from you."

 

"I'd say you're becoming a pretty good leader yourself," Rin replied. Gou smiled at that.

 

"There's a lot to put away," Gou said, standing up and walking towards the buffet table. "I'll clean up everything, though. It's your birthday. You shouldn't have to do the work."

 

"It's only fair that I help," Rin replied, standing up as well. When Gou looked at him sternly he replied, "it's the least I can do."

 

Gou's expression relented. "Well, maybe if we make quick work of it, we can watch a movie after all," he said.

 

"Sounds like a plan."

 

A half-hour or so later, as the last of the dishes were being dried, Gou's phone buzzed in his pocket. He flipped it open, read the message he had received, and smiled to himself.

 

"Hey, aniki," he teased, "want to know what sappy flowers Ryosuke sent you?"

 

Rin laughed. "What is it?" he asked, bracing himself for something rather absurd.

 

"Apparently Shinji says the flowers are daffodils and bluebells. They mean respect and gratitude, respectively."

 

Rin felt his pulse quicken again, remembering suddenly the unnaturally calm, peaceful expression on Ryosuke's face after their battle on Hakone.

 

"I'm grateful too," he said quietly, "to have such wonderful friends."

 

"Okay, okay, don't get all sappy on me again, aniki," Gou whined, flicking a wet towel in Rin's direction and spraying him with the excess water.

 

Rin brushed the droplets off his face and scowled. "If you keep making fun of me, I'm not going to give you any more advice," he warned.

 

"Well, that's what Kubo-san's for," Gou said with a shrug.

 

"You think that old fart gives half the advice I do?"

 

"Well he certainly gives it more succinctly, with less crying," Gou retorted.

 

"Says the kid who cried at age thirteen when Father said you were too old to sleep with a teddy bear!" Rin cracked back.

 

"You still have yours hidden in your top drawer," Gou replied, pointing at him angrily, "and an angsty diary."

 

"What were you doing in my drawers at all?"

 

"I'm your younger brother, it's basically my job."

 

Rin sighed and Gou ran up the stairs towards their room with a snarky grin. Gou could be a handful, sometimes, but he hadn't seen him look this happy in years. And truth be told, Rin hadn't felt this happy either.

 

Perhaps it was all right to let his little brother have his way... sometimes. 


End file.
